Sales of UM Gear

[ECBobcat]

WALMARTS OVERSTOCKED WITH GEAR

Billings, Mont. — Walmarts across Montana are facing a serious problem—too much Grizzly gear and no buyers.

After the Grizzly football team suffered back-to-back losses, and with a third on the horizon, sales of UM Grizzlies apparel at Montana Walmarts have plummeted.

Ben Ellison, clothing department manager at the Billings Heights Walmart, said one customer offered that Grizzly RTD gear “was a bunch of horse you-know-what,” and that the Griz “have only dominated the tree team from Indiana and a high school team out of the deep south.”

Ellison recently suggested higher-ups should explore putting the gear to other uses. “I told them, listen, we could move all this stuff to automotive and folks could use it as oil rags. I also offered that the clothing items could be cut into strips, rolled around some cardboard tubes and sold as sh!t tickets—uh, toilet paper.”

Ellison’s direct supervisors reportedly liked his ideas, though upper management thought going the route of repurposing might be too drastic right now. “When it comes to the ‘RTD’ gear,” Ellison said, “the bosses suggested telling customers the acronym means something else.” The clothing department team came up with a few. Grinning, Ellison said, “We really like ‘Return to Delusion’, ‘Rarely That Dangerous’, ‘Regularly Totally Dominated’, and my personal favorite, ‘Robbie’s Tackles Doubled.’”

Representatives of the UM athletic department seemed concerned when asked about the Walmart issue. “Yeah, it’s probably not good,” said an anonymous source within the department. “Our revenues largely depend on the Walmart fan. He can grab a t-shirt, a 40-pack of Schmidt, a carton of cigs, and some tires to throw on his roof, all in one place.” The source suggested sales have hit rock bottom because the “Walmart fans” are growing tired of an undelivered promise of a return to dominance. “Bobby keeps tweeting “#RTD” and people are pissed. The smart ones know they’ve been sold a bill of goods.”

But Ellison said some fans are still buying. “I successfully sold an ‘RTD’ hat after convincing a guy that the popular hashtag stood for “Referees Too Dumb,” said Ellison while shaking his head. “It was after the Sac State loss. Not the smartest guy.” Pausing for reflection, Ellison said, “But they never are.”

*No, this is not real. I made it up.*

[coloradocat]

'Robbie's Tackles Doubled'

My personal definition has always been 'Return to Dumpster'.

[Bobcat4Ever]

That is an excellent piece of (only part) creative writing. I am so sick of hearing about gris and tackles and dominating nobody that I hope we can put a stake in it this November and at least get a real coach for them.

[91catAlum]

Had me going at first! Nice work!

[RickRund]

Had me going at first! Nice work!

Same here...

[GoCats18]

Good thing you used Walmart. Any other store and it wouldn’t have been believable at all.